I had a little bit of a layoff scare a few weeks ago, but I survived…for now. About a month ago, my part-time job disappeared, so the idea of losing my “real” job (the one with the bigger paycheck and the great health insurance) had me a little freaked out. Not only would we not be able to pay bills, but finding another job quickly would be more than a little difficult given the current job market. It hasn’t been the greatest lately. You might have heard something about it.
During the week of the layoffs, I had an insanely crazy thought: Maybe I should start seriously considering trying to earn a living writing.
It’s insanely crazy because who the hell thinks like that? It’s not like I’ve ever made money writing anything before. I have never had anything published! I have nothing to show anybody. And, even if I did somehow manage to sell something, it would probably be a while before I saw any money from the sale. There’s just so many things wrong about thinking of “writing” as your Oh Shit!-I-Need-Money-NOW! plan.
So, here’s why having that thought bothers me. I’ve wanted to be a writer since high school, but have always lacked the will and discipline to act on that desire. Like any other creative-types, I have battled demons of self-doubt and lost again and again. The simple answer to why I keep repressing my creative side is fear: I won’t be good. People will think I’m stupid. I don’t have anything worth saying, etc. You know all the fears. It’s been much easier to just get a mindless job, nothing I would dare make a soul-crushing career out of, but something that allows me to keep my mind wandering, entertaining myself.
If mindless work has been my way of avoiding the fear of creating something and letting the world see it, then why, when faced with what seemed like the inevitable loss of that mindless work, would I not immediately think I should find another mindless job? Why would my strongest reaction be to start writing…something, anything?
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It’s called Resistance. You can beat it. I love you.
Well, someone has started reading The War of Art :)
Have you seen the bestseller list at the book stores lately? Go now! And start writing soon. Everything you do will be brilliant! And look at who you read… Christ! Lehane, Gaiman, Mosley, Harris…
you are ready.
Step up to the plate and tee off!
We have always thought you are a great writer, now the rest of the world needs to see it too. We’re behind you all the way.
I feel your pain. I’m just too damned lazy. Or I’m so afraid I don’t even recognize it as fear anymore. Actually what I’m afraid of is sitting down to write and nothing happening. Then follows the fear of not being able to finish anything. Then the fear of having finished it but mangling it to death in editing. Then the promethean task of submitting it somewhere….sorry, I hope I’m not discouraging you. I don’t mean, too. I sincerely wish you all possible power to the engines.